Apart from the physical sensations of pleasure and the power of the orgasms, there is something about the focus required for good sex that makes it the slutty cousin of mindfulness.
—from: “Sex as Mindfulness,” by NeedToKneel in Still Here, Still Queer
NeedToKneel is right. Sex – good sex – is about focus, concentration, mindfulness, and enjoyment. In tantra, we focus on the breath, our partner/s, our technique, our body, and we go beyond what others think sex is or ought to be. In tantra, we don’t get naked and get to it like in porn or late night hook ups. Tantra is about connection, exploration, enjoyment, and pleasure. When we connect with our inner sexy and extend it to our partner’s sexy, the result is no jut mind-blowing sex but sublime sensuality.
NeedToNeel compares good sex to mindfulness meditation. Writes he: “Sucking cock well requires that you focus your attention, not only on the cock in your mouth, but your breathing, lips, tongue, mouth and throat. You have to experiment. Do they respond to their cockhead being worked? Do they like their cock deep in your throat? What happens to the hardness of the cock when you go slow? When you go fast? Are their balls retracting up?” A good lover notices these and other things. A good sexual partner cares about the other’s sexual experience. A good lover not only bares himself before his lover, he allows himself to become vulnerable, open, and creates a space for his partner to do the same.
When you notice these things, in yourself or your partner, you can decide and adjust how to offer pleasure and create friction between you. If the balls retract, use your hands to massage and extend the scrotum to allow your testicles to come down. If your partner is flaccid or cannot get an erection, massage his penis glans or wait until his anxiety subsides. If there seems to be no excitement or arousal, find an erogenous zone to rub and excite such as his nipples, armpits, feet, or bum. Every man has a sensitive body part wired to his penis. Explore his body, find it, trigger it. If in the middle of sexual or tantric play one partner seems to lose interest or is not up to it at the moment, give yourselves time; cuddle, hug, kiss, and give each other space. Tantra occurs in a sacred temple mutually constructed between lovers. Tantric sex is not about performing; it is about mutual, sensual enjoyment. It is also about observing and honoring one’s body, emotions, and energy. Everything becomes part of the sexual and sensual act.
Don’t be greedy either. Most men I know just want to get off. They flaunt their massage skills and sexual prowess, make promises about trading rub downs, but all they really are looking for is someone to jerk them off. The best sex I’ve had has been with normal looking guys, with dad-bods, or less than average gym physiques who are comfortable in their body and don’t give a damn about penis length, size, or girth. These men are generous and giving, being wholly focused on pleasure: theirs and their partners. They give as much as they like to get, flip back and forth, and don’t cross the finish line until they help you get there. Theirs is not a race to the finish; it’s more a relay were everyone wins!
The more you put into your tantric sexual relationship with a partner, the more you get out of it. It’s not about cumming, ejaculation, getting off. Good sex, tantric sex, is about connection. In tantra you connect with your partner in order to connect with the divine within yourself and those around you. Tantra is about giving and sharing. Tantra is about opening yourself up to experience, to love. Yes, love. How can you love another if you do not love yourself? How can you offer pleasure and sensuality if you are a stranger to them yourself?
NeedToKneel hits the mark on his assessment to good sex, to feeling sexy, to being a mindful lover. To be all these things, one must pay attention. In tantra we start with the breath, we focus on that which brings us pleasure, we extend that to ourselves and to our lover, and we create a temple of open bliss where we can each share and enjoy the divine pleasure of sex and sensuality.